What to do about the celebrity inside...

There's a celebrity inside of me. But there's a problem. Nobody knows it but me...

I grew up a child in the spotlight, always singing, always dancing, playing the violin/viola. Winning competitions, singing the solos, taking the spotlight. But what has happened since?

You hear famous people speaking of their hard work all of the time, about how they just worked their way, and are in hungry pursuit of their ultimate dreams. Here's where I'm confused about my world. What is my hard work? I mean sure, I've said I want to be an opera singer, and that means getting the voice in place, learning the music, and landing auditions...Well, that would be okay if I were content to trot from opera house to opera house the rest of my life. There is a huge chunk of me that wants more. A greater influence. But am I enough of a person to deliver such? Is there enough substance in me to get to the red carpet? I suppose my next question should comb through my motives in wanting fame. Yes, I say that I want to make an impact, that I have dreams. But why? Just because I'm talented doesn't mean I have A-lister potential! I believe that much of it is the competitive, or admittedly egotistical, part of me that wants to somehow be at the very top of my game. And then there's the whole almost 30 issue. I'm majorly running out of time. And the weight? Oh boy, that's a big one. No pun intended.

I'm in such a weird place right now. Not knowing if I want to stay in Fresno, not really knowing if I want to, or need to, do the practical thing and go back...and then, my mother....I heard weariness in her voice today and I didn't like it. There was a piece of life missing. She said she was fine, but it was unmistakable. And in fact, it may be something that she can't feel yet. But I heard it unmistakably. I'm losing her.

So, where does that leave me? WHAT, once and for all, do I want out of my life??????

Dancer, Singer, Writer, Actress, Education Professional...and at one time I thought myself to be a visionary, but it isn't so anymore. I don't see past today. Is that my fault? Is it how I'm surviving? Will it pass? What can I do about it? Now there's a real question...maybe I need a life coach...

Okay, I'm officially on a search for the design of my world, how I want my life to speak of the things inside of me. I'm looking for an "X" to mark the spot for the etching of my footprints...no more elipsces, incomplete thoughts still waiting as a turn the bend on another venture around the same mountain. I'm done with asking these same questions. However, I do have to give myself credit that I have peeled back more and more layers of myself and am finally reaching the core. Yeah, I'm reaching the core. It has purpose and a direction. I just hope that at last I will begin to see it all unfold and be fulfilled.

Question of the day: What are you going to do about the ______________ inside?

Who would I have been?

I didn't dress up for Halloween this year. No parties, no drunken one night stand. And besides fearing that I'd get robbed and shot by this guy with a machine gun who stopped his car right by me as I walked down the street, no goblins or ghosts. But if I would have dressed up, had a place to wear a clever costume, what would I have been?

I suppose the whole Halloween identity is the only time of year when people are allowed the indulgence of being something they are not, and even, someone they wish they were. Don't we women all want to be some sort of tempting vixen, a coveted princess, an exalted heroine? For me, I'm not sure. I mean, these days, I feel like I'm walking around wearing a mask as it is, floundering around in a city I hate, working a job I'm handicapped in doing well, wishing I was anywhere else. Why did my amazing teacher have to live here? Why not some place beautiful with stunning scenery and plucky people? There is nothing for anyone in this town, let alone ME!!

I truly know what it feels like to live day by day. It's so disarming, so driveless. I'm scared of not waking up in enough time to face the day and even more scared to go to sleep for fear I will actually wake up. They say you design your own life, create your own world, but why do I feel paralysed to do either? God, how depressing it is that I'm even writing this, but you know, it's easy to feel like this. Powerless and numb. It's the excuse for not being productive and impacting. Fat and selfish.

What would I have been for Halloween? A selfless, inspired, heartful...me...

Question of the day: Couldn't you stand to indulge in a better you?