I've been loved and committment

Okay, so I've already fallen off the commitment wagon and missed two precious thought-filled days of writing. Gosh, what shall I do? Shall I fret and and beat myself up? Shall I cheat and write two extra posts and date stamp them for the last two days? Or shall I just
come up with a better way? The utmost latter...doing this thing before the
toothpaste and morning pee. Yeah, halitosis and bladder denial. This ought to be good...


It's surprising I'm even up this early, but I won't claim that I've done it alone. At 7am, I took 30MG's of Adderall. I'm one of the lucky ones. It's actually a prescription. In my last year of college I was sitting on a gold mine and didn't even know it! Hahahahaha...hahaha..haha..ha...ah-HEM...just kidding. I've been feeling so scattered, smothered, covered, the plea I made to my psychiatrist over three years ago. This transition gets makes its next inevitable stop in less than two weeks now and I'm still looking at the four piles of clothes that need to be packed, petrified of putting them in boxes because that means that it's definite, no unpacking til I get to the other side. These last few days I've toyed with the thought that the only reason I'm going through with it at all is because I already have a plane ticket, sigh... I read the other day (via @saralena) that reports now say that ADD drugs aren't effective after two years and stunts your growth. Fortunately for me, I wasn't diagnosed until the ripe old age of 26 and even if I hadn't been, my Amazonian family genes would have made up the difference. I rounded out at 5'9" so I certainly could have spared an inch or two. And as for the only working for the first two years, I made a pact with myself that I would only consistently use it for a year and in that time learn a pattern of non-smothered-covered life. I was successful at such and now am only on an as-needed basis. Oh yeah, I was needin' right about now. It's funny, when I first told my closest friends (you know, the ones who would still love me though I be clinical) they gawked and thought I was even more clinical for actually taking drugs. But by the eighth post-high school year of my wandering existence, still no degree in hand btw, a string of jobs I left because I was "unfulfilled," countless sleepless nights of mind bantering, I wasn't caring how much chagrin they had, I needed drugs!! Take your local ADD/ADHD sufferers seriously people!! But I digress. More on all that later...

The "earliness" of my awakening, Adderall assisted and all, comes just five short hours after 3+ meaningful hours of conversation with a man who is reminding me, laugh after laugh, "thank you" after "thank you" that I have been one loved somebody. And it is this love we have (re-discovered after 8yrs. of estrangement) first discovered as freshman and sophomore in high school, is the standard by which I should expect no less. "You're beautiful," "You're wonderful," You're awsomeness and cake," he opposes to every silence and interrupts in every self-doubting sigh.

I detailed some of the worst moments, make that long stretches of agony, during my marriage and how/when I knew it had to end. It had been a long time since I unloaded those stories on to anyone and it was healthy to let it out once more. He listened, taking my side, vowing to have never done such things to me. And I believe him, even in the wake of knowing that our most monstrous of capabilities are unknown until our virtue escapes us. But it's the laughing, the ease at which we talk with friendship, respect, adoration and reverence for our one-of-a-kind ability to connect. He's a Gemini, me a Taurus, and the Zodiac tells us that we're the best signs suited for each other. I see why. But even all this, it's not enough to make us perfect for each other in life. You don't mess up something like what we have with that "together forever" stuff. You don't mix obligation and career goals with something that happens so effortlessly. What we have is like pricey pottery. It is to be admired high on the mantle, given homage for it's stunning beauty and it's priceless influence on the life of a room. And though we'll part in sweet sorrow just 12 days from now, he's the life of this room. It's filled with all the accouterments of this season, the bouquets of opposes and interrupts. The drapes of laughter that just rightly shades so I can look out in midday pondering why grass grows so quickly and time passes so slowly in summer.

And you ask, 'Shouldn't you want that in a marriage, a partnership?' Sure, but marriage succumbs to the practical, the routine, the get-it-done functionality of life. It forges walls and wages wars over paper towels and laundry. In other words, it's work!! But how I love it so and fantasize about marrying again someday. There's no greater covenant, I've always said. And with the right person, a convergence of friendship, teachable lovers, proportionate money, and dreams unfurled, a heavenly haven.

Yes, I've loved and been loved in exorbitance, but love in itself is not excuse enough for companionship. It flowers and chills the seasons, teaching you, reprimanding you, buffering you. I read once that the mind should guard the heart because of its recklessness design to love, even those things that scar us. I agree to an extent, but to me, love is not completely to blame. The mind is a culprit too, how it uses love to convince us of the perfection of wrong timing, irrational expectation, wayward motives, unnecessary sacrifice. But I'm glad for all of it and whereas I'm advised of my experiences to never do it again, love has been the best part of my life.

Question of the day: Have you ever had a perfect love with someone that wasn't meant for forever?